Take NaNoWriMo for example. I told myself that this would be the year when I participated - I may not hit the 50,000 word mark, but I was going to give it my best shot.
NaNoWriMo ends on Friday and my word count currently stands at 1,279. It's pitiful.
I actually feel like I've let myself down a bit. I was so looking forward to seeing my story take shape, and see what happens with my characters and how the story would change over time, but instead, I've barely started the first chapter.
It's just disappointing because I know I do this a lot. I told myself I'd finish a novel by the time I was 18 and I never did. I told myself I would finish my novel by the time I graduated and I never did. I told myself I'd finish a novel by the time I was 21 and guess what? That doesn't look likely either, as my 22nd birthday looms ever closer.
It's just frustrating because I know that I want to be an author more than anything in the world. I adore writing. I love making up stories in my head as I sit on the bus and watch the world go by. But when it actually comes down to it - I always bail in some way. I don't know if this is because of some inherent fear I have that my stories and my writing will never be good enough for people to read, or if it's because I'm afraid of failing, or if I'm simply just too lazy to begin writing seriously. I did make some headway this summer while I was applying for jobs (managed to write around 40,000 words on one story), but now, I always seem to have some excuse not to write - whether because I'm too busy, or because I'm too tired at night when I come home from work.
I always make promises to myself that I'll try harder and this resolve lasts for a little while, until I run out of steam and the whole cycle starts again. And it's just starting to get me down a little bit, especially as NaNoWriMo has been such a disaster.
I'm considering maybe joining a writing group to help me on my way - perhaps if I make my writing less private, I might pluck up the courage to actually finish a story for once and see where I can go with it - but again, this may just be an idea that I think of, but never get round to, or I'll go along for a little while then stop. But we'll see!
I do apologise for the depressing post - I hate read posts like this myself, so next time, I promise I'll be more cheerful ;), and here's something that never fails to make me smile:
It's not particularly high-brow is it!
Have a great week folks!
X
