I'm still alive...

...just in case you were wondering ;).

It's been quite a while since I've blogged/been on Twitter/done anything remotely social media related. I went home for a couple of days, then my sister came to stay last week and I've spent the weekend on various boats/hanging out with my fiance for once. I haven't even been thinking about my blog, or writing, or being on Twitter.

And it has felt so good.

I can't lie. It's been amazing. All that pressure I felt at the beginning of summer (you may remember my panicked IWSG post? Yeah, that) has mostly melted away. True, when I think about what I wanted to accomplish this summer, I still feel a bit sad and panicky that I haven't managed to write two whole books and plan a further two - but then again, I've had such a good time just totally switching off, that I don't regret it at all.

In all honesty, as much as I love being a part of the online writing community, it's not very good for my mental health. I'm one of those people who constantly obsess over little things, and I feel like I'm doing something wrong because everyone else seems to living the dream, whereas I'm just constantly plodding along behind, desperately trying to catch up. My worst habit is comparing myself to others, and although I know I'm being stupid, my anxiety still doesn't let go. It's no good telling someone with anxiety to simply 'get over it', or to 'stop worrying' because the point is, they can't. Trust me, they want to - they want to stop obsessing more than anything in the world, but it's incredibly difficult to break the cycle of obsessive thoughts and worrying once you get into it. You just need time, and patience and - for me at least - to get out of your own head for a while.

So, really, what I'm trying to say is that I may not be around as much as I have been. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to try and blog every week, but I'm not going to exhaust myself trying to do it. I'm also going to be cutting my time on Twitter - me and social media have had an on/off relationship for years and it's only lately that I've realised how much social media feeds my anxiety. It's why I barely use Facebook anymore. I'd rather not put myself through the pain of obsessive and depressing thoughts for days on end, just because someone I barely know got a new hairstyle, and my hair hasn't been cut in weeks. Sound stupid? That's because it is. And yet, my poor brain will still go into overdrive.

I'm hoping that by cutting my time on social media, it'll not only give me a proper break and a chance to relax, but it'll also help me start writing again. I have the ideas and the inspiration but I do appear to be procrastinating rather a lot (or maybe this is what every author goes through before writing their second book? If so, let me know in the comments!) and once again, if I happen to see that Author X, Y & Z have all got book deals/movie deals/releasing their 10th book in a year on Twitter, then it'll just make my anxiety worse (see above. See, told you it was a vicious circle).

This week, I'm going to visit a friend in London for a few days, before spending my last week of the holidays up north with my family. I'm ssooo looking forward to it. I may feel inspired to write a little today, but then again, I may not, and that's okay too. To be honest, I'm mainly planning on spending today sitting in the sunshine, reading - I bought a new book last week for the first time in forever, and it feels great to be reading again (for those of you who are curious, it's a little book called The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss, and you're not allowed to tell me ANYTHING that happens, okay? Okay, good) - reading a great book always inspires me to write, so it's not going to be time wasted at all ;).

I'm off now to sit in the sun and relax. Sorry for the ultra-long post, but I thought you guys deserved a decent explanation for everything.

Have a great week, everyone!

Have you ever been on a social media break? Did it help you write/focus/relax at all? How's your summer going?

H is for...Harry Potter Syndrome

Welcome back! Today's A to Z blog challenge post is all about the letter H!

We've all heard the story. J.K Rowling struggled to get Harry Potter published, being rejected by a dozen publishers before Bloomsbury decided to take a gamble on it. And the rest, as they say, is history. (Although now that I've read through this article, providing the timelines are indeed correct, it doesn't seem to me like it took that long for HP to get published at all - not when I've heard about authors struggling for years and years to get their work recognised).

Anyway, ever since this phenomenon occurred, we're all well aware that publishers continue to try and replicate that success - pushing new releases in reader's face, telling the press that title X is the 'next big thing', or that book Y is 'going to be as big as Harry Potter.' But what about authors? Are they just as guilty of this? Do authors, especially first time authors, have this unrealistic expectation of themselves and their work? Do they just expect to write the one book, sit back and watch the money roll in?

I'm as guilty as anyone when it comes to daydreaming about my books hitting the big time, rolling in the cash, getting a film deal, getting to be a producer on said films and generally just being successful as a writer.

But here's the thing. Realistically, that isn't going to happen. I know that. As much as I'd love it to, for now, I'll be so so happy if only one person reads my book and then leaves me a decent review. That's literally my only goal right now. For now, my dreams of rolling with the big YA authors and attending my own movie premiere will have to wait - and that's okay. It's not admitting defeat, or saying it's never going to happen - it might, but equally, I might win the lottery tomorrow and never have to work again. It's down to chance/fate/luck or whatever you want to call it, and hard work.

Because that's the crucial bit - writing is hard work. Promoting and getting readers to read your book is hard work (especially for indie authors). But here's the other thing - success only comes from hard work. If you're prepared to keep writing, and keep going, then eventually, you'll get to where you want to be. You may very well be that person who gets that movie deal based on your first book - and if you are, congratulations! That's fantastic! Let me know how you did it ;)! But to all first time authors out there - and I'm including myself in this, as a constant reminder to myself - don't fall into the trap of suffering from 'Harry Potter Syndrome' - don't forget that even J.K. Rowling had to suffer from setbacks before all her hard work paid off. Don't be disappointed if your first book isn't a success. Keep writing. Release another book. Write some more. Repeat. If you're determined to succeed, you'll get there in the end.

I'm going to keep working as hard as I can as a writer, and at the end of the day, that's all I can do - make each and every one of my books as good as they can possibly be.

And I'll save those big daydreams for the times when I switch off at work ;).

Feels like I'm doing...nothin' at all!

This weekend I planned to sit down and prepare a lot of my upcoming blog posts (both for Synthetica and for the A - Z blogging challenge), as well as maybe get cracking on the sequel to Synthetica and THEN, if I had time, outline a brand new WIP that I've been thinking a lot about lately.

So how much of my ever-growing to-do list did I get done over the weekend?

Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

And. It. Was. Bliss.

I've been pretty wound up over the past week and I don't know why - whether it's subconsciously been to do with work, or home or my writing, or maybe even good old dose of PMT - I genuinely can't tell you. All I can say is that by the time Friday rolled around, I could've cried with gratitude. I've learnt a lot about myself while writing Synthetica, and I knew that if I continued to feel stressed, I wouldn't get anything done this weekend at all. I'd just sit there and panic about everything I simply had to do, while not actually doing a thing about it.

So I took a break. I read. Literally, that's all I did. I finished Maggie Steifvater's The Dream Thieves in two days. I sat outside and read in the sun (because England finally appears to be getting round to spring). I read inside with a cup of tea. I watched Netflix. I read some more.

It was fantastic. I actually woke up this morning in a good mood! Which, for me, is basically unheard of for a Monday morning (let's just ignore the fact that it only lasted until I got into my car for work, and then the whole subconscious stress/PMT battle started again).

Not only do I feel more energised and ready to tackle my to-do list, I have to say, I was also extremely impressed with The Dream Thieves. I loved The Raven Boys, and I'm so glad I finally got round to ordering the second book in the series, which was just as good. But it wasn't just the story that I haven't been able to get out of my head today - this book has been the first book in a long long time, which made me sit down and think seriously about my own writing. The author has this way of completely and utterly drawing you into the character's world - I could almost hear the cicadas and feel the heat of a Henrietta summer. I was actually a tiny bit surprised when I looked up and found myself in England instead of Virginia.

Reading this book has forced me to stop and assess my own writing. Not in a bad way, but it's just made me realise that I want to write to the very best of my ability. All of the time. For every single book I write, or attempt to write. Not that I haven't been doing that so far, but now, I'm going to try and consciously think, is this the very VERY best I can make it?

I want people to do what I did. I want them to lose a whole weekend reading my book, because they can't bear to put it down. I want my novel to leave an impression on my readers. I want people to think about my book while they're at work, and wonder whether the order they placed for the next book in the series yesterday, could have possibly arrived today (it hasn't. But one can still hope).

So that's all my news! This week, I'm going to focus on working my way through my to-do list, but making sure I take time out if I need to. Let's hope the sun stays out!

Have a great week, everyone!

Hoot, hoot! Tweet, tweet!

So after much deliberation, I've finally signed up for HootSuite. I'm actually quite excited by this (simple things for simple minds...) - it kind of makes me feel a little more like a serious, grown-up blogger (although for those of you who have been here awhile, you know that's definitely not the case ;)...).

HootSuite is a program that allows you to link all your social media platforms, so you can post a link from your blog or a news article or whatever, to multiple platforms at the same time. It sounds complicated, but it's easier than it looks :). I was first introduced to it a few years ago when I worked in the marketing department at an academic publishing house - it was my job to look after all their social media, which included scheduling and posting tweets, and managing their website. I actually really enjoyed it!

Anyway, I realised that with the release of Synthetica coming up fast, and coinciding with the A-Z blog challenge - all of which will also be happening during the Easter holidays where I'll be at my parent's house for a majority of the time - I simply won't have the time to sit down and a) write my blog post every day and then b) advertise it on Twitter, as well as c) commenting on other people's blogs (which I love doing).

So I signed up for HootSuite. The plan is, I'll write a majority of my A-Z posts and Synthetica promo posts in advance, and then schedule them, both on my blog and on Twitter, by using HootSuite. If I was going to be at home for the Easter holidays, then I could probably just about manage to do it all myself, but the fact is, I'll be in Cumbria helping out on my parent's farm for most of the day (how's that for a glamourous release day?!) and I simply won't have the time. But as I'm serious about participating in the A-Z blogging challenge, and I want to promote my book as much as possible, I thought that this would be the best compromise. It means I'll have more work to do before April, but it'll definitely be worth it for peace of mind in the long run.

Also, I'm pleased to announce that I've FINALLY managed to figure out how on earth you even schedule posts in Blogger. I tried to do it a few months ago with an IWSG post, but it never posted. Then I realised that my blog wasn't on GMT time, it had been set to a different time zone. So I changed it, and I'm pleased to say that it worked! My quiet scenes post from yesterday morning was scheduled, and it seems to have posted with no problems! Yippee!

Happy Monday, everyone!

Weekend reading: the truth about writing...

I read an interesting article on The Guardian website today about the life of a writer, and the public perception of what a writer's life looks like.

This article, entitled 'You think writing's a dream job? It's more like a horror film' really made me think. In all honesty, at first I was quite annoyed at the author - Tim Lott seems to complain a lot about his life as a writer, even though to all extents and purposes, he's enjoyed what I would consider to be a very successful writing career to date. Winning awards? Generous advances from publishers? Sign me up on the dotted line!

But as I read through the article, I realised that what he was speaking was the truth.

Writing is lonely. There's no way around that. If you're not comfortable in your own company, then you probably won't get very far as a writer. As an author, you have to spend A LOT of time in your own head and it's not always pretty. You have to get used to spend every spare minute you have furiously scribbling away, obeying the whims and commands of the imaginary people inside your mind. If this was any other profession, you'd probably be sent straight to a psychiatrist to have a long chat. But we're writers - it's simply what we do. And if you want to write for a living, it's just something you have to get used to. You don't have to completely cut out everything in your life - but you do have to be prepared to make some sacrifices (watching TV/generally relaxing in the evenings is one for me) if you want to get serious about your writing.

Writing also takes a lot dedication and time. Unless you have that burning passion - that fire to write a story because if you don't you'll simply explode - you might as well give up right now. I'm not saying that in order to be a writer you have to churn out book after book in quick succession - time is irrelevant. Some of the greatest literary masterpieces took decades to write, but that's okay - the point is, they got written. The authors simply had to write their character's stories, no matter how long it took them. And I think this is one of the few industries (barring professional sports) where perseverance is key. Every day you've got to have that self belief in your writing, you've got to believe that you can finish your book, you've got to keep going - because if you don't do it, who else will?

And finally, I'm going to re-quote Tim Lott's quote by George Orwell, which I'm going to remember from now on:

"...Writing a book is a horrible, exhausting struggle, like a long bout of some painful illness. One would never undertake such a thing if one were not driven on by some demon which one can neither resist nor understand."

For me, writing is not a choice. Thinking up new story ideas is not a choice. I didn't just sit down one day and think, 'hey, you know what would be fun? Writing a novel! Let's go!' It's just something that I've always done from a very young age. I don't ever remember a time (barring the 'Black Period' where I suffered from extreme anxiety and panic attacks and thought I was going mad. But more on that another day) when I haven't been constantly making up different scenes and characters in my head. Apologies for the cliche, but I do strongly believe that writing is my calling in life. It's the one thing that's always stuck with me, no matter what else has been going on. I am completely and utterly a slave to the stories in my head.

But unlike Tim Lott, who would apparently rather swap his life for George Clooney's, I never would. There is nothing in this world that I would like to do more than write for a living. Even if I'm not successful; even if I don't win any awards or become a millionaire, I know that in the end, I wouldn't give up my writing for the world.

So what are your thoughts? If, given the choice, would you give up writing...?

Hooray for half term!

For the last few weeks, I have been dragging myself to work and anxiously counting down the minutes to Friday the 13th. Why? Because this week, it's half term! Yippee!

However, I quickly realised that this week is not going to be the lounging around, reading a book a day, stuffing my face with chocolate/tea/cake week that I envisioned - if anything, I'm going to be working harder this week than I do normally.

Why? Because in just a few short weeks I'm hoping to self publish my first novel. And because I've only got this week to do everything, I can't afford to kick back and relax just yet. This week I've got to do the last tidy up on my rewrites, email reviewers to see if they'd be interested in reviewing my book, book a blog tour as well as starting to put together all my blog posts and topics for April's A to Z blogging challenge. I know it probably doesn't sound like a lot - but to me it is. This is the first time I've ever done anything like this, and I want it to go as smoothly (ha!) as possible.

I'm incredibly lucky that I have a whole week just to work on my writing. It's been so hard trying to fit it in around my normal job and I feel so grateful that - although I do have a lot to do - I've finally got the time and the breathing space to work on my novel. My only worry is that I'll waste my time somehow (I'm a huge procrastinator) and that I'll get to the end of this week without having done anything important. But let's not dwell on that. I'm going to power on with full steam ahead and see how far I get. Already this morning I've ticked off everything on my 'Monday to-do list' that I wrote last night - including coming up with the last of my A to Z blog topics and sketching the outline for a new novel idea - so that's something I guess.

And now - although I really REALLY don't feel like it - I have to go and work on my actual novel. Y'know, the one that people will actually be reading in a few weeks time?...Yeah, that probably should come top of my to-do list from now on ;).

Have a great Monday, folks!

IWSG February: Am I crazy...?

Welcome to February's IWSG post! You can check out the official IWSG website here!

This week I made an announcement about my novel Synthetica – I've decided to self-publish it. My proposed publication date is 1^st April, which is less than 2 months away now. I am so so excited about the prospect of self-publishing. And yet I can't help asking myself: am I completely crazy??

There's a part of me that feels like a huge fake. What on earth do I think I'm doing? There's no way I can organise everything in two months! I've got to do the final tiny edits to the book, I've got to finalise the cover design, I need to email other bloggers to see if they'd be interested in reviewing it, if I'm having a blog tour, I need to book it in ASAP for April. Don't get me wrong, I do love being busy, but there are moments when the panic descends and I completely freeze.

But there's also a bigger issue. Whenever I read about other people self-publishing their novels, I think, that's great, good for you! And yet, the idea of me self-publishing a novel seems absurd. Who am I to think that my novel is good enough for the world? This time last year I didn't even have a novel to publish – what makes me think it's even any good to be published now?? I feel like I'm missing out on some huge secret in self-publishing, or that I'm missing a step and I don't know what it is. Essentially, I think this comes down to the question I seem to ask myself everyday, no matter what I'm doing: Am I doing this right??

There's a lot more leeway in self-publishing that traditional publishing (found a major mistake in your manuscript? Cover not working for you anymore? Simply take it down and re-work it til you're happy!), but even so, I've always been someone who strives to get it right first time. I'm so scared of being a failure before I've even begun. I guess at the end of the day, if I let these doubts overwhelm me, I'll never have the confidence to publish my novel.

It's like anything in life - you don't know until you've tried. But it would be nice to know that I'm not just stumbling my way through everything for once ;).

Sunday night inspirations...

This weekend has been a bit crazy - for once, I've actually been participating in real life, meaning that although I've barely had the time to write, I feel kinda happy and satisfied at the thought that I've hung out with other human beings (y'know, apart from the ones in my head...). I went to a christening, had a catch up with the Engineer and his sisters, went to the cinema and went out for a meal. Phew!

Oh, and seeing as how the Engineer works ALL THE TIME, he dragged me into his office yesterday afternoon so he could finish something off. He did try to persuade me that this was a good thing, as I could work on my novel uninterrupted for a few hours. "That's all well and good," I grumbled, "but what if I don't WANT to work on my novel? In case you haven't noticed, my muse has TOTALLY AND UTTERLY DESERTED ME!"

I still went (because I'm sucker when it comes to promises of a mocha and chocolate). And you know what? Even though I didn't touch a word on my manuscript, it was a surprisingly productive evening.

I finally pulled together all my scattered notes on the second and third books in my planned trilogy. I added in details to those notes. I made folders for each book on my laptop (this always gives me a geeky rush). I started to get flashes of inspiration for certain scenes in both my current WIP, and the second book which I hurriedly scribbled down. I thought of a vague plot for the third book (which I've been drawing a complete blank on, until now) And finally, finally, I felt myself getting excited about the world that I'd built once again.

And that's not all. I think I may have found a way to drag myself through my rewrites. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere by just opening up my manuscript, copying and pasting a chapter, editing it and then pasting it back in. It still felt like an overwhelming task, even with my beat sheet. So I thought, what was it that got me through my first draft? What did I do this time, that meant I actually finished the damn thing? And that's when it came to me - I needed a new detailed synopsis.

Now, I know this probably seems like a step backwards, but I don't think it will be. I'm not going to do one for my entire novel (at least, not yet). Instead, I'm just going to do it up until my 'inciting incident'. I've chosen to do this because it's the beginning of my novel that needs the most attention - it's the part that I'm essentially going to rip apart and put back together again. To me, this is far to big a task to do with just a few scrawls on my beat sheet. 

We'll see how it goes. I've only just written the first scene for my new detailed synopsis, but already I'm getting a good feeling and what's more, I want to keep writing. I'll let you know how it goes but hey, even if this just turns out to be another form of procrastination - at least it's bound to help my writing in one way or another.

Happy Monday, everyone!

May IWSG: Time for a confession...

Welcome to May's Insecure Writer's Support Group (IWSG)! IWSG was created by Alex J. Cavanaugh (you can check out his blog here) and the official website for IWSG is here – I highly recommend you check it out if you're looking for inspiration/tips about writing!

Me: Hi! My name's Rachel....

Everyone else: Hi Rachel!

Me: My name's Rachel and I'm...a quitter.

There. I said it.

Believe it or not, this is actually quite a difficult thing for me to admit. No one likes to think of themselves in the wrong, or of giving up easily...but I do. I wish I didn't, and it's something I'm trying hard to work on – I don't know if flakiness is something that most people my age have, or if I'm just a dreamer that flits from one thing to the other (in all honesty though, it's more likely the second option).

I could sit here all night and try to justify the things I've given up on - I quit my first proper office job after nine months (although I did hate that job so much it was starting to impact on my mental health, and I'm a strong believer that no job should ever make anyone feel the way I did), I quit my job in China because I couldn't stand the thought of being away form home for Christmas; and I quit my volunteering work this week, telling myself that I didn't have the time for it (I do, I just wasn'tl so enthused by it to give up my spare time to do it...and yes, I'm well aware of how horrible that makes me sound, but I am just trying being honest).

But then equally, I could look at it this way:

Because I quit my office job, I got the opportunity to live in China, meet some amazing people and experience an entirely new culture...

...and because I came home early from China, I was lucky enough to get a job a few weeks after I got back – which surprised me because I went completely blank in the interview, and for one question I just outright told them I didn't know what to say. But I'm so so happy in my job now :) and if I hadn't have come home when I did, I never would've applied for that job or gone to the interview.

...I'm not entirely sure what the positive is of quitting my volunteering work yet, but I'm going to choose to look on the bright side and say that it'll give me more time and (hopefully) more incentive to write.

The reason I'm bringing this up is because just like in my everyday life, I quit a lot of the novels and stories I start to write. And once again I could try and justify why I keep quitting, but the fact is, I just give up. Simple.

But once again, there is a positive side to this. The novel I'm working on now is the one I started during NaNoWriMo last year...and I'm still working on it. By now, I would normally have discarded that novel as well as given up on several other ideas, but just the fact that I wake up willing to work on my novel – whether that's by working on my detailed synopsis (which I wanted to have finished by Easter...whoops), or just by mulling over certain plot points in the car on the way to work – is a huge step forward for me.

So, I guess this month's post isn't just about my insecurities and fear that once again, my current WIP will be doomed to end up just another unfinished file on my computer (because that is the biggest fear that I keep returning to) – it's also about positivity and hope. It's a corny saying, but every cloud DOES have a silver lining :).

If I can sit here and work on a novel six months after I started it, after a lifetime of flakiness and quitting almost everything I've ever started, then you can do it too :).

It's one small step for man, one giant leap towards my dreams of becoming an author ;)