November IWSG: Getting over the (random) fear...

This blog post probably would've been more appropriate for Halloween, but seeing as how that was less than a week ago, I'm going to use it anyway ;).

It's that time of the month again, when insecure writers from all over the internet unite and blog about their deepest, darkest fears that have been plaguing them for the last month. Special thanks go out to Alex J. Cavanaugh for setting up the group, and a huge thank you to all of this month's co-hosts :)!

Although I'm not officially participating in NaNowriMo this year, I'm currently in the rewriting stage of my first draft, and my Other Half has given me the deadline of the 30th November to get it done - so in a way, I'm with all you brave NaNoWriMos out there, at least in spirit.

But here's the thing - I'm STILL struggling to get my mojo together to get into my rewrites properly. It's not because I don't know what I want to do, or that I hate my story (actually, I've felt more hopeful about this novel in the last few weeks than I have done for a while) - it's something else, and I only managed to put my finger on it last night.

I'm scared of succeeding.

I know, I know how odd that sounds - but the fact is, writing a novel is something I've been working towards since I was about 15. And the thought that by the end of this month my novel should (theoretically) be in a readable form (i.e. I could send it out to my beta readers if I wanted to) really does scare me. Do I have the dedication and motivation to actually finish something for once? After so many false starts and disappointments, I find it hard to believe. It's almost as though my subconscious is telling me that no, I can't do this, I can't actually realise one of my life dreams, heaven forbid - so why bother working on it?

So that's it for this month - a slightly odd topic, I know, but it's been bothering me for the last few days. Hopefully it'll pass soon - only 25 days to go until the finish line!

Happy bonfire night, everyone! Stay safe out there tonight!

Ploughing on through...kind of...

At the moment I'm supposed to powering through my rewrites, so that my novel will more or less be ready to publish by the end of October. Today, I opened up my diary, saw the big red underline under 31st October, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry.

There's no way in hell I'm going to be able to do the amount of work I have to do in just a few short weeks - not unless I have the luxury of my summer holidays back, but alas, that comes but once a year...

And I think that's a huge part of my problem. I'm doing bits and pieces on my WIP, but ultimately, I think I'm stalling. I seem to be waiting for a magical long stretch of time to just open up in front of me so I can write without the bother of, y'know, actually going to work and having an actual life.

I read this post on the NY Times website, and although I'm not too sure whether I feel encouraged by it's message or scared, it has made me realised that the time to get on with my novel is now. Not in an hour, not at the weekend, not next week, now.

Which is why I'm currently staring at my screen, torturously writing one word at a time, as I attempt to finally get going on the final phase of this book. It's not even that I hate my novel (for once), or that I'm being overpowered by insecurities (which makes a change) - it's just that I'm simply being lazy.

I think my task for this weekend will be to find a way that I can work, without procrastinating so much. But until that day comes, I'm just going to have to keep repeating to myself that slow and steady wins the race...I hope...

Today I was forced to do something I haven't done in a very long time....

...I drank coffee.

Yes, that's right, coffee. I only drink coffee in the direst circumstances i.e. if I'm forced to get up ridiculously early to go on holiday, or if I have a deadline to work to. Today, it was the latter.

But it wasn't just the deadline that had me reaching for the Nescafe and a large teaspoon of sugar. Today, I simply didn't want to write.

If you've caught my Twitter over the last few days, you may have noticed I've been celebrating writing 7,000 words a day. It's my goal that by the end of the summer holidays (actually, earlier than that as I'm going away for a few days next week) I'll have finished the first draft of my novel, Synthetica.

I am unbelievably close to finishing - out of the 17 page detailed synopsis I wrote a few months ago, I have 5 pages left to flesh out. 5! This is the closest I've ever come to finishing an actual novel, and I am over the moon about it.

However, this does mean that I'm currently writing like crazy. I love it, but at the same time, I ended up hitting the dreaded wall today. I just did not want to write. At all. I don't know if it's because I took a bit of a break over the weekend and got out of the swing of it, or if the writing frenzy of last week was finally catching up with me, or if it's because The Engineer woke me up in the middle of the night to change bedrooms (don't ask).

So today, I procrastinated by baking and doing jobs around the house, before going for a walk in a last ditched attempt to clear my head. I ended up writing 3,000 words - and although I wish it was closer to 7,000, at least it's something. And that's cheered me up slightly - every other time I've hit the wall in my writing, I've left it for days, or weeks, or sometimes abandoned the novel altogether.

So at least it's progress. I'm hoping tomorrow after a good night's sleep, I'll be back on form :).

How's your writing going? Let me know!

Sunday Night Blues...

You know, sometimes I just can't believe how fast the weekend goes - one minute it's Friday night and I'm chilling on the sofa with a good book (with the exception of this Friday when i actually ventured outside the house for once), the next, it's Sunday and I have to start planning my outfit for work the next day. Time really does fly by in an alarming way.

Take NaNoWriMo for example. I told myself that this would be the year when I participated - I may not hit the 50,000 word mark, but I was going to give it my best shot.

NaNoWriMo ends on Friday and my word count currently stands at 1,279. It's pitiful.

I actually feel like I've let myself down a bit. I was so looking forward to seeing my story take shape, and see what happens  with my characters and how the story would change over time, but instead, I've barely started the first chapter.

It's just disappointing because I know I do this a lot. I told myself I'd finish a novel by the time I was 18 and I never did. I told myself I would finish my novel by the time I graduated and I never did. I told myself I'd finish a novel by the time I was 21 and guess what? That doesn't look likely either, as my 22nd birthday looms ever closer.

It's just frustrating because I know that I want to be an author more than anything in the world. I adore writing. I love making up stories in my head as I sit on the bus and watch the world go by. But when it actually comes down to it - I always bail in some way. I don't know if this is because of some inherent fear I have that my stories and my writing will never be good enough for people to read, or if it's because I'm afraid of failing, or if I'm simply just too lazy to begin writing seriously. I did make some headway this summer while I was applying for jobs (managed to write around 40,000 words on one story), but now, I always seem to have some excuse not to write - whether because I'm too busy, or because I'm too tired at night when I come home from work.

I always make promises to myself that I'll try harder and this resolve lasts for a little while, until I run out of steam and the whole cycle starts again. And it's just starting to get me down a little bit, especially as NaNoWriMo has been such a disaster.
I'm considering maybe joining a writing group to help me on my way - perhaps if I make my writing less private, I might pluck up the courage to actually finish a story for once and see where I can go with it - but again, this may just be an idea that I think of, but never get round to, or I'll go along for a little while then stop. But we'll see!

I do apologise for the depressing post - I hate read posts like this myself, so next time, I promise I'll be more cheerful ;), and here's something that never fails to make me smile:

It's not particularly high-brow is it!

Have a great week folks!

X

Break time's over...for now...

It's been quite a while since I last wrote (I don't even want to check the date on my last post to see when it was!), but after taking a rather unscheduled break, I think I'm finally ready to get back into writing.

I'm not going to bore you with the details of the last few apathetic weeks I've had - quite simply, I'd had enough. I'd had enough of feeling like I wasn't getting anywhere with my novel, of getting rejection after rejection for every job I applied for (or, most of the time, not hearing back at all), of, well, just everything. I know, I know, it sounds so melodramatic but hey, I'm a writer - that's my job :p.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've turned a bit of a corner (although I was knocked back a bit yesterday by getting rejected after another interview - guess what the reason was? Apparently I'm 'too nice'. Great.) - although I'm tired of getting rejected for jobs and for feeling like my writing isn't good enough, I'm also tired of being tired. I'm twenty one for God's sake - I need to realise that not getting a certain job isn't the end of the world. And that writing a novel takes time - if I want to do a good job, I can't write the whole thing in a day.

Essentially, I just needed a bit of breathing space to realise that I haven't failed in life just yet - I have all the time in the world ahead of me to accomplish my dreams. Just because it's not happening for me right now, doesn't mean that it never will.

And so, I'm starting to write my WIP again. Don't get me wrong - over the stress and tantrums and tears of the last few weeks, I've still been writing down certain scene ideas that have come to me, as well as figuring out a whole new marketing plan for the book - if I ever get it finished that is! So that's something positive - at least I still believe in my work and I still believe it has potential. All I need to do now is get down to writing it!

Sorry for the melodramatic post, folks! I promise, I''m going to try and be a bit more positive and grateful for everything I have from now on :).

Hope you all have a good night!

X

What's my name again?...

Okay, so given that I did my usual whiny/ranting post yesterday, I thought I'd cheer you all up again by writing about something different for a change :).

When I first started my WIP, I had an idea for most of the character names - all except my male protagonist. No matter what I did, no matter how many names I looked up on the Interweb, nothing seemed to fit. I just couldn't get it right.

However, while I was trying to find the perfect name, another name kept popping up in the back of my head. It kept whispering to me but I ignored it because, to be completely honest, it's not one of my favourite names in the world and I didn't want to use it (don't get me wrong - it is a nice name, it's just I personally wouldn't choose it...dunno why). However, because I needed to insert a name into my WIP to stop myself from writing 'BLANK' all the time, I decided just to give in and use the name that I kept thinking about. And once I did, a last name for my character suddenly came out too. I was surprised. Suddenly, the name didn't seem so bad any more.

In fact, I rather like it. I think it suits my character's personality. I'll probably stick with it, but then again, I might not - but I have finally gotten used to calling him by this name.

Isn't odd how sometimes you think of a name and it just seems to fit your character? It's almost as if the characters in your head are standing up and saying 'Hi, my name's so and so, and I'm going to be your new protagonist/antagonist/love interest...' - does that make me sound crazy lol?

How about you? Have you ever thought of a character's name and it wasn't right, and then you've stumbled upon one that's just perfect for your character? Or have you even ever just left a character with a name you weren't sure about, and you've never found out their true name?

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Happy Thursday, everyone!

xx

And here comes the wall...

Sorry for the long silence guys - had a bad cold last week, followed by a migraine, followed by a stomach bug (which I'm only really getting over today). Yup, it never rains but it pours...

I'm going to warn you now. This is another one of my whining/ranting posts - so feel free not to read on if you don't want to! I promise I do have some interesting posts to write - I just can't seem to find the time/energy to write them right now haha!

Anyway, as I've complained about before, I have my first major deadline looming up next week. My aim was to have the first rough draft of my WIP finished by the 19th June, but I'm going to be honest - I don't know if I'll be able to do it. For a start, I've been pretty ill and that set me back a bit - but I could work around that if my motivation hadn't suddenly deserted me today. All throughout this particular WIP I've been excited about the story and where it's going, and eager to get the words down the page, telling myself that it doesn't matter if I don't like what I've written because I can go back and change it later.

That approach doesn't seem to be working so well today. I don't know what happened, but suddenly I looked at my WIP and although I am still so excited about the story, I just couldn't write anymore. I suspect a large part of this 'hitting the wall' feeling is because I'm currently writing a scene that is, well, a bit boring. I need the scene in the book to explain a few things that are going on (and to introduce the main conflict of the book actually) but I don't think it's in the form that I want it to be in. This shouldn't bother me, but I've actually rewritten this scene before and it's still not right. And now I'm wondering if everything I've written so far is boring, and if any of it even makes sense at all - which is not encouraging! Argh!

Plus, since I've been ill, I can't drink tea. So that's one of my major comforters down the drain!

I guess I'll just have to keep powering through. I know I can change scenes and edit it at a later date, but it is still a bit depressing when I don't get it right first time! Also, because the last few days haven't been as productive as I would have liked, I think I'm starting to assume that I won't be bale to finish at all....talk about being a pessimist!! I promise I'll try and cheer up by the time I write my next post ;)!

How do you cope with 'hitting the wall'? Do you keep on writing? Or do you step back and take a moment to think about your work before carrying on?

Hope you're all having a great day!

xx